Life Lessons: *(Part Two)*

Life Lesson #3: Give and you shall receive.

The “love that I get to experience and witness in others.”

Rarely do we come across a human being worthy of admiration, and recognition. But though these times are few and far between – they are most precious.

“We use to believe in the good ol days. We still receive in little ways – the things of kindness and unsporting brow. Forget and allow.”
– Jim Morrison

It’s my experience that if you receive any kind of charity, you must first – give it. What you get out of this life will be equal to, or greater than, what you put into it.

There is no mystery here. Though God is present – and quantum physics and science is as relevant as karma – no Divine Presence or principle need be understood to comprehend this simple concept. It’s just the natural order of things.

Too often we get distracted by what people take from us. We feel cheated. And for most – the reaction is to close yourself off – to not let anybody steal from you anymore.

This perception is false. There are two basic emotions that we feel: fear and love. When people take from you, they are not operating out of love. This does not mean that you react also in fear. You don’t let fear disrupt your good nature! React with love, and eventually it will be returned to you. Keep in mind that it’s not always from the person that you want it to be from.

Love – in all of its forms – is a miraculous thing. When we operate out of love, we grow. So, for this lesson – you need only to change your perspective.

Thank you to those who have helped me along this path. Your loving kindness will long be remembered and will be returned to you.

There will more than likely be a part 3. 🙂

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Frugality of Humility

It began a quiet day, to say the least. The birds had all felt the frigid cold and got away from this place. I had to play some music, or I might get lost somewhere between morals and silence. I’ve been overcome, lately, with some sense of gratitude for this kind of silence – though the cold makes the silence almost deafening.

Amidst the weather, shrouded in a blanket of silent gratification came a man whose only fear is that from which he came. He greets the day with passion and pride. It’ll be this day that he awakens from the madness he’d spun himself into. Through all of his daft glory, never would he be complete until this day of silent realization. Through all of his measures, never had he, before, measured himself up right, putting away his egotistical reptilian brain. It is on this day that he finds himself.

If quiet could be measured, the silence would be an anomaly. Would he pace and prod through nonexistent dreams, or be productive enough to drown out the voices in his head which keep him from seeing what I see? It’s still very quiet in my head, awaiting his elusive words. – awaiting a testimony of love and devotion or an input of more silence for his reprieve. It matters not what the words are that are said in the end. If a thought is worth a penny, and a feeling is worth a dime – emotion is worth a dollar. Something that is prudent in his body language but my eyes see right through him.

If we can remember that time is a manmade construct, then we can understand that the only thing that governs our lives is the sun. When it spreads its arms out and reaches over from east to west it finds us, together in darkness – it carries us through another day. It is this perspective that leads us to an alternative intellectuality. We’re not intimidated by the day, because if time is a manmade construct, then an hour can be eight, by way of our cadenced heartbeats. And though we barely sleep, we are immersed in sweet blissful gratification of the daybreak. The sun acts as our savior, and we are saved from what could be – but isn’t actually haunting us.

Time seems to move more quickly during the day. Einstein probably noticed this one day, and maybe it led to a fraction of his brilliance. Too many people take for granted the words, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of a day. I call this the “Change Exchange,” and that thought is only worth a penny. Where do you put your investments and are they well taken care of? Do you trust those you invest in?

The majority of my investment is in this man, who for the sake of protecting the innocent, we will call Adam. Adam is a hard worker, a diamond in the rough for any authority figure, because Adam does what he is told. This incredible oppression as he sees it – makes it easy for him to denounce any other responsibility without a guilty conscience. You can’t tell him anything he doesn’t think he already knows, and he learns only by observation. He gives what he won’t take, and he’ll take anything he’s given – unless it comes off as charity or sympathy. But today is the day of his reckoning. Maybe he will realize that the world is his to have and to hold, and so am I. Before his motto might be ‘if there are no expectations, then there is no limit, and no room for failure,’ which has been his cradle. He will soon see the world with expediential possibilities, as I do. His imagination will no longer be something that he hides from and ignores.

What kind of demons will he cast out to achieve this perfection? On a small scale it looks like just a simple matter of emotional laziness. But the bigger picture indicates something vastly more inherent and overbearing in the way. A free spirit still chooses his or her burdens and chains. I believe he enjoys being careless and carefree. He merely needs to balance the uncanny idea that he is a kept man with the inevitability of it being the only path to true happiness. This is a road he definitely wants to walk, but will fear it until he actualizes its omnipotent possibilities, and sees it for what it is, rather than seeing it as a cage for which he is doomed to reside.

The “Cage” is not me. I “keep” no one.

All I know is I can’t run anymore. I’m not as young as I used to be, and if time is a manmade construct then I have allowed it to take me with it in years, not hours. At this hour I am contemplating the profligacy of my own humility. For where I am strong, I have been weak, where I am hard, I have been soft, and where I find my own reprieve, I’ve found a thirst for sympathy – instead of empathy. This is probably the flaw that Adam sees in me. I have, thusly, invested more in him than I have in myself. It is this brilliant attribute of loving without consequence that is my only downfall. I call it loving without consequence because it’s not completely selfless, the way I love. It is true that I find some gratification in what I give to others, and while it might be endearing, it’s not without consequence. “I don’t care what you do with me, just let me love you.”

I am happy being able to attempt to make him happy. I believe with my whole heart that one day the pieces will fall into place because that is the vision I’ve had for myself from the time I was a small child. And when I first saw him I knew, with every rudiment of my being that I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, and believe you me, I intend to.

However, on this day of my true loves reckoning, I will be silent. There is nothing in this world I fathom worthy enough for my complete devotion and it will be my sincere investment in him that sees him through.

Now, I’ve given you a whole jar of pennies. Do what you will, but invest wisely.Image

Inherent Unity

How many amongst us really want to do good in this country? Could it be that there is a little bit in every single one of us that wants to stand up for the causes that are right, and just, and follow through in trying to make a change in this world? Does that exist in you?

I cannot shove this knowledge at you and expect you to listen to me. After all, your own heart is what you are going to listen to. And rightly so!

I have no doubt that the responses to this will be few. Who really wants to listen when it comes to hearing about all of this sour death and destruction slowly taking over and defeating lives, some of whom, you know, others you know have families and friends who will surely miss them. Does it not tug at your heartstrings, even a little?

What is it that YOU know to be right, and just?

Can we simply shove all of this under the rug, pretend it’s really not happening? I say no! There are too many things that we don’t know about when it comes to our governments, our world, society, politics, foreign affairs, etc. Is it just in our nature to trust our government? What if we can’t? Wouldn’t you like to know?

Quote, V for Vendetta: “If our own government was responsible for the deaths of a hundred thousand people… would you really want to know?” and “When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.”

Do you fear the government?

And I quote president Kennedy, here: “Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and success of liberty.”

Oppose ANY foe. Let us not forget that the reason we are allowed to bear arms is so that we may rise up against a tyrannical government, if necessary. And THAT is written in the bill.

Now, I’m not saying we need to kill them at all, but all the same, there need to be changes made, and for some reason, no candidate is quite taking the cake on that. I see no phenomenal candidate running in 2012. In fact, I see two puppets dangling from invisible strings.

Why is it that the same people keep on running our government over and over?

Our economy is shit, the rich only get richer, the poor get poorer, and it is you and I, the common folk, who is always suffering.

Our medical coverage is a joke, 95% of first world (as opposed to ‘third world”) countries have free medical coverage for all of the citizens.

Why is it that we call ourselves in America “First World” if we are on third world standards on more than one aspect?

We don’t have money!
The government has money!

And where is it going? Can some one please make the funds available to the government public? WHAT money?!

Something seems out of place here… it’s not right that we can’t get a college education without first applying for government aid, possibly not qualifying because we are legally bound to our parents’ tax information until the age of twenty-four!

Again, “first world,” pfff. Why is knowledge not free? Oh yeah, that’s right. Because knowledge is power.

We could be more cultured as a country, we would be smarter, in general, and able to do things that stimulate our economy. We could invent things, or simply get better jobs. There’s no end to the benefits from universal education.

So is it safe to say that it appears that the government wants to keep you stupid, and/or blind to the atrocities?

They dumb you down with delta and theta waves in your televisions, using media to coerce you into believing you are not one with everything around you, convincing you that you have no divine personal power, to make you feel ugly and used, the list goes on. (NOTE: I, personally, think you’re fantastic.)

And tell me, what are the rules of engagement necessary to earn your respect and ignite the love in your heart to feel compassion for the awful things going on in this world?

I think you all know what you would like to see happen in this country within the next 10 years. Now utilize that goal and strive to make the difference happen. It is somewhere in every heart, and soul. All we need now, is UNITY!

Social Separation!

I’m sitting here observing people and listening to King Crimson. Does it ever strike you how completely strange is the lack of human interaction?

It should be completely natural for the 15 or so people around me to be immersed in conversation and empathy for one another, but for some strange reason, this isn’t the case.

Should I mention that I’m at an alcoholics anonymous club house and our problem certainly isn’t one of not having anything on which we can relate?

Yet, here I sit, alone, watching groups of 2 or maybe 3 people have their own private conversations.

“Confusion will be my epitaph. I fear tomorrow, I’ll be crying.” (King Crimson)

I’ll be here most of the day and no doubt will be engaged in several of these semi-private conversations myself. This isn’t the point. The point is the ridiculous differences we see in each other from ourselves.

All these criminally obtuse distinctions based on looks, race, class, age, creed and any other reason we, albeit subconsciously, use to separate ourselves from each other.

What an incredible farce!

I don’t do a whole lot of “rocking the boat,” you see. I’ve engaged nearly every one of these individuals without any vision of social consequence – paying anyway in this having to absolve to solitude.

Can you see the absolute insanity? We’re human beings! Sure you’re different, you’re an enigma! But NAMASTE to you all. I see you for your intrinsic value and beauty, not in what ways you are not like me! How silly would it be if I did that?

But you do it every day! (Generally speaking, of course.)

Anyway /endrant.

I love you all!
Love & Light!

I watched her die.

One year ago today, I watched one of the most important, most influential people in my life cross over.

The strange thing is that I had been up all night one year ago, just as I was tonight. And at this time (6am) last year, I was calling my brother, confessing a heroin addiction – telling him that I would be dope sick unless I got some sort of fix. Reluctantly, he offered me ultram and xanax. Which at the time that I met up with him an hour later, to my surprise – really did the trick.

My brother, Rob, had just driven twenty-seven hours straight all the way from Montana. Chad (the second of my three brothers) got his cue at 6:15 to head to the hospital. Shawn (the last) had been there at the hospital for more than 48 hours.

My mother.

She wanted all her children there at the same time. She had been repeating “all of my children…?” And at 6:55am, I met Rob outside the hospital, and he handed me four pills, which I gladly took. And a half hour later, my three brothers and I stood in a circle around our mother in her hospital bed. We prayed and talked to her, though at this point, she was no longer conscious.

Lung cancer.

My mother died a slow death. she was diagnosed March 9th, 2011 and died September 13th, 2011. Six months and four days. Actually, by any standards that’s pretty quick.

So, my brother Shawn was exhausted after having been in the hospital for so long, my brother Rob was exhausted after having driven all the way from Montana without stopping, and my brother Chad needed to go to a Boy Scout event with his son. They departed around 11am, except Chad who stayed until around 4:30.

My mother was pronounced dead at 5:56pm, although when I looked at the clock when she actually died it was around 5:41.

I had told my brother Rob that I didn’t want to be the one at the hospital when she died, that I wanted to be the one that got the call. However, that certainly wasn’t the case.

Perhaps my beloved creator thought that it was necessary for me to experience it this way, no matter how painful it was. I can only deduct that this was a divine experience that I had. After all, it has only led me down a path to sobriety and a spiritual depth that I could not have imagined before.

I am plagued by physical pain on a daily basis but nothing compares to this emotional pain. The difference is what I now consider to be substantial.

When my mother was taking her last breath she mouthed the words “I love you” over and over. Mind you, this is after having been unconscious for three and a half days. I held her hand for over an hour before and almost 30 minutes after she died. I felt her hand go cold.

There is no human being who I’ve ever lost – and there’s been 28 – that I’ve ever missed so much. My mother taught me love, how to give love, how to be loved, how to lose love, but most importantly she taught me why you should love in the first place. A most beautiful and remarkable woman.

Love upon a deeper level.

Today is a lesson for me. Everything that we experience whether it be good, bad, in between – it doesn’t matter – we are meant to learn from it! We’re meant to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

She has no grave. So, this blog is my way of paying my respects to the only woman I’ve ever known who greeted life as fearlessly and as openly and she greeted death. For love that was once beyond my understanding – that is not now – because of this woman. For my earthly mother, who gave me life.

DoB: Saturday, August 14th, 1948 to Tuesday, September 13th, 2011.
Age at death: 63 years and 30 days.

Love & Light.