The Amazing Glitch

I’ve always had a strange affinity with technology. Computers and phones seem to respond to me on an emotional level for some reason I can’t readily explain.

I’ve also always been able to easily adapt to new technology. I’ve also always been able to take things apart and put them back together and really figure out how they work.

For this reason, I’ve also always been interested in science. The physics of things – the mechanics.

When I was a kid, I would take old VCRs apart, somehow fix them without even understanding completely – what was wrong with them in the first place.

When old video tapes or just regular old music tapes would jam, I could take them apart and fix them too.

Watches, TVs, computers, some older phones, music equipment, CD players, you name it! I could fix them all.

This is my first experience with the Droid phone. I understood how it operated quickly because it so closely resembles a computer, or an operating system.

But just like every computer I’ve ever owned, this thing seems to respond to me on an emotional level!

Let me explain. When I first got the phone, I was encouraged to use an app to get free ringtones. I also made a few of my own – using songs that I knew weren’t readily available.

This is the peculiar thing my phone does to me.

Of course, I set these ringtones to certain family members and friends accordingly. But for some reason, these ringtones have developed a mind of their own.

They change according to my mood. I’m not lying, this is real shit!

For instance, I set my brothers ringtone to a goofy ringtone that says “It’s your crazy brother calling! You better answer!”

I’m on probation, my probation officer has a ringtone that is very suitable – the dragnet theme.

Subsequently, I haven’t talked to my brother in about a year, apart from Facebook and random texts. I sent him 3 pictures today because it’s his birthday. He called me back, in response.

But instead of playing the “it’s your brother” ringtone, it played the dragnet theme. As a looming disturbance to my environment, the sign of impending doom.

My probation officers ringtone, ironically, changed to the Duck Tales theme. “Life is like a hurricane – here in DuckBerg.”

My boyfriends ringtone has changed to something else only when I’m mad – and then it changes back when the fight is over.


My smartphone has become too smart for its own good!

Has anyone else ever experienced this phenomenon or something like it?

Still, no matter how strange or ironic it may be – I have nothing but gratitude for it. It makes me chuckle whenever it changes.

Thanks Droid – for knowing me so well!


My Indigo Friend

So I’ve been meaning to blog about this for, like, the last week. Granted, my blog is still in its infancy stage, Maybe I thought I should ease you all in… …slowly.

As I said before, I’m an indigo. (My autocorrect just said ninja go, “I am a ninja go if you don’t know!”) ANYWAY, if you don’t know what “indigo” means I suggest you google it.

The most ironic an exciting thing happened to me last week. I should mention that I moved 130 miles from my hometown.

It was on the day that my mom died, or anniversary of it rather.

I made an obscure post on facebook about how my mom died last year, with the fancy web link to the Social Security Administration’s database marking her birthday and death day.

I haven’t been very popular to my old druggie friends, seeing as I don’t do drugs anymore. So, nobody ever really comments on my musings.

But my best friend from grade school was nice enough to say “hey, if you ever need anything, you can call me.”

Keep in mind we have this in common, both of our mothers having died from cancer.

I respond “thanks, but I moved south, I’ll message you my new number…”

And so I did, and immediately she messaged me back. She asked where I had moved to. I tell her Cincinnati. She says “No way, I live in Cincinnati too. Where at in Cincinnati do you live?” …. Well, you get the point right?

And you’re probably wondering why I mentioned Indigo, right?

Well, as fate would have it, she is an Indigo too! This completely fascinates me because I can remember when we were kids, how we could communicate with each other without even speaking. We would get in trouble and both tell h our parents the same story – and it was a fake story – we had both made up in our heads, but for some reason, it always matched up.

Her and I also both had a deep fascination for the unknown. The spirit world was always a point of intrigue for both of us.

We both struggled in our own ways with social stigmas. We both had to adapt to society because of how different we were.

I certainly don’t think it’s a coincidence that we both live in the same city less than 25 minutes away from each other. She grew up three doors down from me. We had an intense spiritual connection. This is no mystery.

I’m glad were talking again, Jessica. I can already see us being dear friends just as we were.

Love and Light!!!

Inactive Activism

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about joining some activist or human rights group. The whole idea seems to be a double-edged sword, sort of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

What I mean by that is, on one hand, you’re helping the world – aiding the world in some way, being and feeling useful, doing things for the “greater good.”

This, I find to be completely spiritually profitable.

On the other hand, by buying into the mechanism of helping, you are adding to the problem by acknowledging its existence.

If quantum physics says “thoughts are things,” then ideally, you’d want to stray away from being part of a problem’s manifestation, right?

This is an interesting paradox for me. My powers of manifestation have always been incredibly strong. I think it gets down to fear.

Fear of manifesting the problem rather than manifesting its solution.

The inevitable consequence of NOT doing something, I find, is FAR more hazardous than simply acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place.

Then there is the inevitable  predicament of what organizations are out for evil and, subsequently, what organizations are out for the greater good.

Even organizations like, say, “The ZeitGeist Movement,” seem very extreme.

But there were even scarier individuals, such as Alex Jones or David Ickes. Alex Jones is the proprietor and voice of and David Ickes is a raging lunatic that believes that reptilians are running the government.

No doubt that it’s hard to know where to instill your faith.

I mentioned in a previous post that I always wanted to join the Peace Corps when I was growing up. But even that organization has its flaws.

For now, I’m content being a vigilante for justice and liberty using tactics such as composing both, long winded, seemingly and arguably pointless blogs, and provocative, and borderline progressive music.

Love and Light!

The Liar

Is it ever socially acceptable to lie? I know that I wear a social mask. That, by default, implies deception.

Since I was a kid, there has always been things that I can’t show people about my eccentric spirituality. When I was a kid I would not have called it spirituality – I would have just said, maybe, “parts of who I am.”

Today, I’m much more lax, for instance, I can tell some people that I talk to my spirit guides and not feel so weird about it, because I know that normal people judge other people based on these sorts of things. I, personally, don’t understand people’s reasoning. Why, for instance, other people don’t talk to their spirit guides like I do. However all of the ridicule I received for being “different” made it necessary for me to develop a social mask to protect myself.

Occasionally this feeling of “people don’t/won’t understand me” or “I can’t get my message across adequately without wearing the mask” will lead me to lie about things when I think I’m lying to protect someone.

I cant presume to explain why I do certain things when I’m led to do them from what seems to be the universe. People do not understand. They assume that I have the same intentions as the rest of the human race, that my motives are for some strange personal gain on a physical level.

How do you tell someone that the universe has led you to make certain decisions which, in turn, may have hurt them? They look at you and say “the universe made you hurt me?… Some universe!… I think (fill in the blank) is what you wanted!!”

I lied about the context of a relationship to spare someone’s feelings. My intentions were out of love and not wanting to hurt the person.

More and more, as people are awakening to this new spirituality, certain things are becoming more socially acceptable. That is speaking very generally.

But it could be that, for that reason, I was being entirely too presumptuous. Who am I to think that you won’t understand?

I’m constantly growing and learning. I know that I am not infallible, and by no stretch of the imagination am I anywhere near perfect. I made a mistake.

My beloved creator thought well enough to send me a most understanding person, no doubt, to teach me this simple lesson.

I do my best to live by ancient Toltec knowledge. I’m certainly no guru, though.

My real question is, I suppose, should I completely absolve myself of the social mask? Or are there things that I still shouldn’t say concerning who I am on a deeper spiritual level?

And perhaps my problem is that I haven’t really surrounded myself with people that are like me.

I know that I have justified this sort of lying for far to long. And I’m lucky to have some one that understands that my love is genuine for them whether or not they see it as an area wherein I needed to grow and develop along spiritual lines.

We should never lie about what we do, or what our intentions were/are. We should stand by the actions we take, and how we feel – even if were not proud of it, or we think it won’t be accepted by others. We should not assume things just because we assume that other people would assume things. (Ass out of u & me?)

As hard as this lesson has been to learn, I have nothing but gratitude for it.

Love and Light!

I watched her die.

One year ago today, I watched one of the most important, most influential people in my life cross over.

The strange thing is that I had been up all night one year ago, just as I was tonight. And at this time (6am) last year, I was calling my brother, confessing a heroin addiction – telling him that I would be dope sick unless I got some sort of fix. Reluctantly, he offered me ultram and xanax. Which at the time that I met up with him an hour later, to my surprise – really did the trick.

My brother, Rob, had just driven twenty-seven hours straight all the way from Montana. Chad (the second of my three brothers) got his cue at 6:15 to head to the hospital. Shawn (the last) had been there at the hospital for more than 48 hours.

My mother.

She wanted all her children there at the same time. She had been repeating “all of my children…?” And at 6:55am, I met Rob outside the hospital, and he handed me four pills, which I gladly took. And a half hour later, my three brothers and I stood in a circle around our mother in her hospital bed. We prayed and talked to her, though at this point, she was no longer conscious.

Lung cancer.

My mother died a slow death. she was diagnosed March 9th, 2011 and died September 13th, 2011. Six months and four days. Actually, by any standards that’s pretty quick.

So, my brother Shawn was exhausted after having been in the hospital for so long, my brother Rob was exhausted after having driven all the way from Montana without stopping, and my brother Chad needed to go to a Boy Scout event with his son. They departed around 11am, except Chad who stayed until around 4:30.

My mother was pronounced dead at 5:56pm, although when I looked at the clock when she actually died it was around 5:41.

I had told my brother Rob that I didn’t want to be the one at the hospital when she died, that I wanted to be the one that got the call. However, that certainly wasn’t the case.

Perhaps my beloved creator thought that it was necessary for me to experience it this way, no matter how painful it was. I can only deduct that this was a divine experience that I had. After all, it has only led me down a path to sobriety and a spiritual depth that I could not have imagined before.

I am plagued by physical pain on a daily basis but nothing compares to this emotional pain. The difference is what I now consider to be substantial.

When my mother was taking her last breath she mouthed the words “I love you” over and over. Mind you, this is after having been unconscious for three and a half days. I held her hand for over an hour before and almost 30 minutes after she died. I felt her hand go cold.

There is no human being who I’ve ever lost – and there’s been 28 – that I’ve ever missed so much. My mother taught me love, how to give love, how to be loved, how to lose love, but most importantly she taught me why you should love in the first place. A most beautiful and remarkable woman.

Love upon a deeper level.

Today is a lesson for me. Everything that we experience whether it be good, bad, in between – it doesn’t matter – we are meant to learn from it! We’re meant to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

She has no grave. So, this blog is my way of paying my respects to the only woman I’ve ever known who greeted life as fearlessly and as openly and she greeted death. For love that was once beyond my understanding – that is not now – because of this woman. For my earthly mother, who gave me life.

DoB: Saturday, August 14th, 1948 to Tuesday, September 13th, 2011.
Age at death: 63 years and 30 days.

Love & Light.


My ability to tune into another persons emotions always astounds me.

First, I have to be sure the feelings coming into my existence are not my own. This can be very tricky, but ultimately it gets down to whether I can relate the emotions to my state of mind, and how attached I am to them. The distinction is always apparent to me, though the path may be elusive.

This is what it is to be an empath.

When I was young, it was very confusing. This is seriously one of those incidents where when you recognize the “problem” you come to understand the solution.

I love you all. Have no fear if you think you may be an empath as well. You are embarking upon a vast spiritual journey and there is much beauty in it.

Love and Light!

Ground Zero

All I ever do is think. My profound thought of the day is; If I didn’t have all these eloquent words in my brain already, and have such an extensive vocabulary – would I be able to fully understand and grasp these complex spiritual concepts? Or could all of the empathy that I feel for everyone and everything be enough to generate sound reason within my mind, heart, and soul? This stems from something I read long ago about a culture that expressed themselves only with aesthetic thoughts and emotions.

Is it pretentious to think that my physical body might have some effect or some semblance of power over my spiritual body? Can someone please tell me how to alter my “vibration?” And to what chord am I tuning?

I know that I am an indigo. If you don’t know what that means I suggest you google it. This, of course, means that I have some divine mission.

When I was young I wanted to be in the Peace Corps. But ever since my rebellious nature – reflected in a series of bad choices – has lead me to live in fear and nonsensical emotion, ( I.e. feeling remorse, regret, shame, and generally feeling like I’m not good enough anymore, or that some part of me has deteriorated spiritually because of it.) I’ve had a really hard time trying to figure out what my mission is exactly.

I’m a musician. and of course, my abstract spiritual views are prevalent in my music. I must express that finding an audience for my abstract views is extremely difficult.

On the flipside, I have many one on one conversations with people where I feel like I’ve been completely influential and beneficial to the other person on a spiritual level.

If I seem pompous or self-righteous it’s because I’m meant to be. In truth, I do not see myself as better or worse than anyone else. This is only clear self assuredness because I know that I’m speaking only from my heart.

I desperately want to know others like me, who feel for the world, as I do. This is where my spirit guides led me to direct my voice. Hopefully I am well heard. Love and Light…

A Link to my YouTube: