Infinities – My Upcoming Novel *Teaser*


Chapter One
When my atoms brushed up against your atoms at the time of creation, we knew then, that when we were me, I would love you eternally; And when we were both looked upon as stars, to the very first beings in the universe – who looked at us in awe and wonder, we could only look at you. You, shone so bright over a cascade of dust and debris from our collision; You, so proud, that the heat swelled within your bosom so that it created shooting beams of light; You, who first understood the measure of our speed and the gravity that cradled infinite beings below and above us.

We didn’t know we could see ourselves as separate from you then, but we know who we were then in relation to who we are now. We could not see you as separate until we saw ourselves as one.

I was a bird before I was Qhonid, I saw you again under the milky way through a canopy of lush maple leaves. You were soaring high above me, and you did not see me watching you.

As you dove into the trees, your wing caught the edge of a sharp branch; And I watched as you tumbled to the ground before I spread my wings to fly your aid. When I found you, it was too late. The essence within you again became the atmosphere. An interesting joke, that when death takes your body to slumber, your atoms defy that gravity you have come to know so well – and you live beyond all laws of physics and sound reasoning. You need a mind to have a need to understand in the first place. Before we had a mind, we only ever knew.

I lay beside you then, and your atoms covered me like a blanket; Though, I wanted nothing to save me from moving on into the void with you. To again – become my atoms so that we could be one.

And so it was. I let my heart slow to a stop and forgot to drink the wind. Worms, we ate as birds, came back again to feed as our bodies decayed; And we lingered there as long as we could, because what humans call “love,” it encapsulated us so that we only ever felt whole with you. You, who showed us the way.

Aeons passed as we circled planets, moons, stars, and asteroids. We stayed together so long that we forgot that we were one with all the rest we came to see as outside of us. They were all us, and we were all them.

Do you remember when we ran into Deneb? We were drifting through Cygnus and they recognized us from a time we could not remember. They said that we could be born as one on a planet called Yaru, You and I were so happy that we knew this was what we had been waiting for. We, being content to drift along together, only yearned to experience wonders of the universe with one another.

And so we were born as a Qhonid. We looked like a celestial Earthean horse with wings. As a bird, we saw a horse before. How beautiful and majestic were we then, both bird and horse. Qhonids do not think as we do now. They “feel” instead, and our actions were always calculated. We spoke in languages we cannot fully remember now. We could never forget the feelings, though.

We remembered fighting the Greys, who were like a plague on our planet Yaru. They inhabited and possessed us – and were even born as other Qhonids, and began taking control over us. They felt that we needed to be governed; We felt that we needed to be free, and so did the others. We fought them – even though we ever knew “fighting,” before.

We were not killed until the very end. A thousand Earthean years or more passed. In the end, we were very tired. We knew that we could not win, and the Greys would take over our planet and no Qhonid born after the time of war would ever be the same.

We lost, and many of us died trying to save others and preserve our way of life. Before we died, we visited Earth. We came as one to try and find a sanctuary from the Greys.    The humans who were here were barbaric in nature, but the landscape was beautiful. A man brought us into a cave and gave us raspberries and water. We never knew the taste of either, but the water absorbed our feelings. And when the man drank after us, he could hear us speaking in Qhonid. He was never again barbaric.

What we had not expected was that the Greys followed us there. Or rather, that one Qhonid had secreted themselves among us and joined our convoy to Earth. So many sour emotions, born of the Greys. Fear being the worst of all. It is fear they have and it is fear they use to manipulate others into joining their cause.

The Greys come from a planet in the constellation we know of today as “Reticulum.” They first attacked the Pleiades planets. Some never knew that the Greys were shapeshifters. The Greys can come to any planet and become its people. Because they exist in another dimension – just as we do, they are very hard to “kill.” Even when you kill the “body,” their atoms remember, and inhabit a new one. Over and over again, they consume planets and corrupt the true natures of the beings that inhabit it.

We Qhonids also exist in other dimensions, but many of these obtuse emotions are foreign to us and they are hard to understand and to control. Mostly, we do not see a practical use for them. But, we must bring as many souls as we can to clarity before we are overrun with corruption.

The Greys are as old as we are. We saw them too, and they did not see anyone but themselves. They were fragmented entanglements and could not find happiness in the change that happened to this universe.

They enjoy what we celestial beings call “the dream,“ or rather, they enjoy the fruits of the incarnation they possess more than they have desire to evolve and ascend. They believe in nothing and are willing to sacrifice anything to be the masters of the universe. They did not want to exist in the first place, and the only way they can be happy with existence is to create the same chaos from which they came. What’s worse is that they do it for pleasure, and sport.

You were most heartbroken by this, and when they sought to claim Earth in the galaxy of Sun – we became humans, we voluntarily kept being born as humans so that we could again fight their tyranny and domination over a feeble planet who is yet unaware of their presence. Many Qhonids volunteered for this mission, which meant that we could no longer exist as one being, you and I. We learned the languages of each generation, which were ever poisoned by the toxic Greys.

We first spoke the language of the Qhonids, and over thousands of years, they removed a great measure of the feeling from what we now call “words.” They separated the feeling and the word from one another like strands of DNA are altered in these bodies by radiation.

They used our very atoms against us. We have not had full range of understanding when it comes to Qhonid language in quite some time now. These human brains question everything, and we forget how to know.

Every lifespan, I have to search for you. I look into the eyes – searching for the atoms I once caressed in the beginning, where we understood love as the ultimate language. Now, language separates us. They have divided us to conquer us. In the beginning the word was with God, and the word was God. Now, that word is in a language that no longer carries the weight of its meaning. “The word” is not meant to be written, or spoken. It’s meant to be felt.

Generations of humans are born into this world now who do not understand. As Qhonids, our lifespan was over a thousand Earthean years. We didn’t have to be reborn to begin the fight all over again with the Greys, we simply remembered.

Here, it is a different story. Each human that is born is given an essence, or “soul.” Our atoms can choose the vessel from exploring a time that is not linear to examine the heart and mind of its vessel. You and I, we choose carefully.

Others, even volunteers from Yaru – they have forgotten their mission. The languages here have made them forget who they were in the beginning. Some, simply give up caring about why we came here, because they accept the life here as the only one worth living. They get caught up in the drama of the planet, in a state that is separate from others. They begin to only think of themselves, as the Greys do.

They believe that there is an unseen force out there who will save them from the trials they face, and in a way, they are right. We are still trying to save them. It is as if their atoms have fallen asleep and the dream that they are having is their human existence.

When we first came to this planet as humans, we could live hundreds of years. We have even forgotten how to live long, and healthy lives. We documented everything we could, but we did not fully understand the capabilities of our enemy. They lost their first planet to death and destruction brought on by their own undoing, and their atoms now drift shapelessly looking for a new home.

They believe Earth to be that new home.

We started anthropomorphising love, or “God.” We tried several different methods to try to awaken the dreamers. If the enemy had the power to manipulate the word, we had to find a way to do it as well.

This was most troublesome for us, as we had never known the nature of manipulation as any other beings. We had to become human to have a need to discern right from wrong. Humans think with such polarity!

It is natural for the human mind to question things, who someone is – inside and out, what they mean to us, where they want to go or be, when they love us, why they are here, and how it all came to be this way. Our languages on this planet have thousands of answers to very succinct questions. Those who question are those who do not know, or understand, as we do – where they stand, and where they came from. They have the freedom to believe any answer, and to accept it as factual information. They have forgotten that to know is to feel.

Every time we tried to answer, the questions were spoken so as to manipulate the audience into believing we were evil. They called us horrible names. They used the Qhonid “word” for darkness, which had never before been spoken aloud and with it, they cast us out as devils. They called us “Malinya,” which spoken in the presence of fire can turn the flame a striking shade of blood red. The feeble mind of a human can be persuaded to believe anything if shown what appears to be a miracle, to them.

A star whose name is Lesath is the leader of the Greys. He later became known as “Lucifer,” and “Satan.” He is the strongest among them, and his goal became to harvest the resources of earth in order to repair the Grey’s home planet. We tirelessly opposed their wills with threats of damnation – hoping to deter the followers into right action and hopefully – a better outcome for the longevity of Earth.

That is when the Greys knew we meant to eradicate them, or at the very least, drive them from Earth. But we are identical twins, our atoms. If we have always looked the same – and we have – then although one of us is evil, you would have a very hard time pulling the trigger on either of us. However, evil is not without, evil is within. You cannot only see, you must only know.

Lesath, in turn,  used sacred magic, and parted the seas. They rallied people together, some of us among them – as spies. We tried to again remind them that they were wonderful, powerful beings, and that once, we all knew each other as stardust. We all danced and laughed for the first time in many nights.

Until the Grey came back down from the mountain and declared we were evil, saying the people should put no other “gods” before his “God.” A brilliant idea to create God as something outside of us rather than something that comes from within! As the Grey spoke, he had lightning shoot down from the sky and thunder erupt into rain. He spoke of ten commandments that no human should ever break. Never before were they spoken, they were always known, as the Qhonids knew. Some were merely exaggerations and manipulations of inherent truths which the Greys masterfully created to scare the people into submission.

That is how the language became the weapon.

For nearly an aeon we have drifted from vessel to vessel, each time, I find you – and we, again, begin the task of parting the veil. We fear this planet, too, is lost. We have so much left to learn from our experiences here, and so little time. It will not be long before the Greys begin their tyranny over Earth as they also have on Yaru.

We have come to love being human. To be human is to be given a choice, and though we see horror stories where people make the wrong one – there, too, are such wonderful miracles filled with loving kindness. To learn the empathy, to feel as though we sense another’s pain – it’s beauty in it’s purest form. Those moments can make heroes out of any one of us.

We will hold firm to our divinity at any cost to avoid corruption.

We came here, first, as a sanctuary to escape the Greys. But it seems that no matter where we go, or what we do, we are two sides of the same coin. Good cannot defeat evil, and evil cannot defeat good. Either way, it’s a roll of the dice. As Qhonids, we did not understand gambling, or luck. We had to be human in order to understand how the Greys think. Dishonesty, jealousy, cowardice, distension, disloyalty, these were the ways of the Grey – but also, as humans, we came to understand patience, hope, gratitude, amazement, honor, and joy.

Some of us start to wonder why we are fighting. Humans always need to know the answer. What if the answer is nothing? What if the answer does not deliver to you a purpose for which to lean against? What if the answer dispels all hope in humanity, leaving us with the feeling that we are helpless and alone?

We are not alone, Xander. You are not alone.

You must not forget who you are, Xander. I remember your atoms, and I recognize your eyes as the same soul I have experienced lifetimes of tribulation with. I cannot do this without you. You were the one that understood time and gravity in the beginning. You were the one who knew this would be our fate; And only you can destroy the evil that continues to plague our world.


First Draft – Copyright 2014 *Note* I have tried to fix the formatting but it seems to not be compliant today. Will improve it,  if I can, as time goes on… Thanks for reading!


Life Lessons: *(Part Two)*

Life Lesson #3: Give and you shall receive.

The “love that I get to experience and witness in others.”

Rarely do we come across a human being worthy of admiration, and recognition. But though these times are few and far between – they are most precious.

“We use to believe in the good ol days. We still receive in little ways – the things of kindness and unsporting brow. Forget and allow.”
– Jim Morrison

It’s my experience that if you receive any kind of charity, you must first – give it. What you get out of this life will be equal to, or greater than, what you put into it.

There is no mystery here. Though God is present – and quantum physics and science is as relevant as karma – no Divine Presence or principle need be understood to comprehend this simple concept. It’s just the natural order of things.

Too often we get distracted by what people take from us. We feel cheated. And for most – the reaction is to close yourself off – to not let anybody steal from you anymore.

This perception is false. There are two basic emotions that we feel: fear and love. When people take from you, they are not operating out of love. This does not mean that you react also in fear. You don’t let fear disrupt your good nature! React with love, and eventually it will be returned to you. Keep in mind that it’s not always from the person that you want it to be from.

Love – in all of its forms – is a miraculous thing. When we operate out of love, we grow. So, for this lesson – you need only to change your perspective.

Thank you to those who have helped me along this path. Your loving kindness will long be remembered and will be returned to you.

There will more than likely be a part 3. 🙂

Frugality of Humility

It began a quiet day, to say the least. The birds had all felt the frigid cold and got away from this place. I had to play some music, or I might get lost somewhere between morals and silence. I’ve been overcome, lately, with some sense of gratitude for this kind of silence – though the cold makes the silence almost deafening.

Amidst the weather, shrouded in a blanket of silent gratification came a man whose only fear is that from which he came. He greets the day with passion and pride. It’ll be this day that he awakens from the madness he’d spun himself into. Through all of his daft glory, never would he be complete until this day of silent realization. Through all of his measures, never had he, before, measured himself up right, putting away his egotistical reptilian brain. It is on this day that he finds himself.

If quiet could be measured, the silence would be an anomaly. Would he pace and prod through nonexistent dreams, or be productive enough to drown out the voices in his head which keep him from seeing what I see? It’s still very quiet in my head, awaiting his elusive words. – awaiting a testimony of love and devotion or an input of more silence for his reprieve. It matters not what the words are that are said in the end. If a thought is worth a penny, and a feeling is worth a dime – emotion is worth a dollar. Something that is prudent in his body language but my eyes see right through him.

If we can remember that time is a manmade construct, then we can understand that the only thing that governs our lives is the sun. When it spreads its arms out and reaches over from east to west it finds us, together in darkness – it carries us through another day. It is this perspective that leads us to an alternative intellectuality. We’re not intimidated by the day, because if time is a manmade construct, then an hour can be eight, by way of our cadenced heartbeats. And though we barely sleep, we are immersed in sweet blissful gratification of the daybreak. The sun acts as our savior, and we are saved from what could be – but isn’t actually haunting us.

Time seems to move more quickly during the day. Einstein probably noticed this one day, and maybe it led to a fraction of his brilliance. Too many people take for granted the words, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of a day. I call this the “Change Exchange,” and that thought is only worth a penny. Where do you put your investments and are they well taken care of? Do you trust those you invest in?

The majority of my investment is in this man, who for the sake of protecting the innocent, we will call Adam. Adam is a hard worker, a diamond in the rough for any authority figure, because Adam does what he is told. This incredible oppression as he sees it – makes it easy for him to denounce any other responsibility without a guilty conscience. You can’t tell him anything he doesn’t think he already knows, and he learns only by observation. He gives what he won’t take, and he’ll take anything he’s given – unless it comes off as charity or sympathy. But today is the day of his reckoning. Maybe he will realize that the world is his to have and to hold, and so am I. Before his motto might be ‘if there are no expectations, then there is no limit, and no room for failure,’ which has been his cradle. He will soon see the world with expediential possibilities, as I do. His imagination will no longer be something that he hides from and ignores.

What kind of demons will he cast out to achieve this perfection? On a small scale it looks like just a simple matter of emotional laziness. But the bigger picture indicates something vastly more inherent and overbearing in the way. A free spirit still chooses his or her burdens and chains. I believe he enjoys being careless and carefree. He merely needs to balance the uncanny idea that he is a kept man with the inevitability of it being the only path to true happiness. This is a road he definitely wants to walk, but will fear it until he actualizes its omnipotent possibilities, and sees it for what it is, rather than seeing it as a cage for which he is doomed to reside.

The “Cage” is not me. I “keep” no one.

All I know is I can’t run anymore. I’m not as young as I used to be, and if time is a manmade construct then I have allowed it to take me with it in years, not hours. At this hour I am contemplating the profligacy of my own humility. For where I am strong, I have been weak, where I am hard, I have been soft, and where I find my own reprieve, I’ve found a thirst for sympathy – instead of empathy. This is probably the flaw that Adam sees in me. I have, thusly, invested more in him than I have in myself. It is this brilliant attribute of loving without consequence that is my only downfall. I call it loving without consequence because it’s not completely selfless, the way I love. It is true that I find some gratification in what I give to others, and while it might be endearing, it’s not without consequence. “I don’t care what you do with me, just let me love you.”

I am happy being able to attempt to make him happy. I believe with my whole heart that one day the pieces will fall into place because that is the vision I’ve had for myself from the time I was a small child. And when I first saw him I knew, with every rudiment of my being that I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, and believe you me, I intend to.

However, on this day of my true loves reckoning, I will be silent. There is nothing in this world I fathom worthy enough for my complete devotion and it will be my sincere investment in him that sees him through.

Now, I’ve given you a whole jar of pennies. Do what you will, but invest wisely.Image

Inactive Activism

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about joining some activist or human rights group. The whole idea seems to be a double-edged sword, sort of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

What I mean by that is, on one hand, you’re helping the world – aiding the world in some way, being and feeling useful, doing things for the “greater good.”

This, I find to be completely spiritually profitable.

On the other hand, by buying into the mechanism of helping, you are adding to the problem by acknowledging its existence.

If quantum physics says “thoughts are things,” then ideally, you’d want to stray away from being part of a problem’s manifestation, right?

This is an interesting paradox for me. My powers of manifestation have always been incredibly strong. I think it gets down to fear.

Fear of manifesting the problem rather than manifesting its solution.

The inevitable consequence of NOT doing something, I find, is FAR more hazardous than simply acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place.

Then there is the inevitable  predicament of what organizations are out for evil and, subsequently, what organizations are out for the greater good.

Even organizations like, say, “The ZeitGeist Movement,” seem very extreme.

But there were even scarier individuals, such as Alex Jones or David Ickes. Alex Jones is the proprietor and voice of and David Ickes is a raging lunatic that believes that reptilians are running the government.

No doubt that it’s hard to know where to instill your faith.

I mentioned in a previous post that I always wanted to join the Peace Corps when I was growing up. But even that organization has its flaws.

For now, I’m content being a vigilante for justice and liberty using tactics such as composing both, long winded, seemingly and arguably pointless blogs, and provocative, and borderline progressive music.

Love and Light!

The Liar

Is it ever socially acceptable to lie? I know that I wear a social mask. That, by default, implies deception.

Since I was a kid, there has always been things that I can’t show people about my eccentric spirituality. When I was a kid I would not have called it spirituality – I would have just said, maybe, “parts of who I am.”

Today, I’m much more lax, for instance, I can tell some people that I talk to my spirit guides and not feel so weird about it, because I know that normal people judge other people based on these sorts of things. I, personally, don’t understand people’s reasoning. Why, for instance, other people don’t talk to their spirit guides like I do. However all of the ridicule I received for being “different” made it necessary for me to develop a social mask to protect myself.

Occasionally this feeling of “people don’t/won’t understand me” or “I can’t get my message across adequately without wearing the mask” will lead me to lie about things when I think I’m lying to protect someone.

I cant presume to explain why I do certain things when I’m led to do them from what seems to be the universe. People do not understand. They assume that I have the same intentions as the rest of the human race, that my motives are for some strange personal gain on a physical level.

How do you tell someone that the universe has led you to make certain decisions which, in turn, may have hurt them? They look at you and say “the universe made you hurt me?… Some universe!… I think (fill in the blank) is what you wanted!!”

I lied about the context of a relationship to spare someone’s feelings. My intentions were out of love and not wanting to hurt the person.

More and more, as people are awakening to this new spirituality, certain things are becoming more socially acceptable. That is speaking very generally.

But it could be that, for that reason, I was being entirely too presumptuous. Who am I to think that you won’t understand?

I’m constantly growing and learning. I know that I am not infallible, and by no stretch of the imagination am I anywhere near perfect. I made a mistake.

My beloved creator thought well enough to send me a most understanding person, no doubt, to teach me this simple lesson.

I do my best to live by ancient Toltec knowledge. I’m certainly no guru, though.

My real question is, I suppose, should I completely absolve myself of the social mask? Or are there things that I still shouldn’t say concerning who I am on a deeper spiritual level?

And perhaps my problem is that I haven’t really surrounded myself with people that are like me.

I know that I have justified this sort of lying for far to long. And I’m lucky to have some one that understands that my love is genuine for them whether or not they see it as an area wherein I needed to grow and develop along spiritual lines.

We should never lie about what we do, or what our intentions were/are. We should stand by the actions we take, and how we feel – even if were not proud of it, or we think it won’t be accepted by others. We should not assume things just because we assume that other people would assume things. (Ass out of u & me?)

As hard as this lesson has been to learn, I have nothing but gratitude for it.

Love and Light!

I watched her die.

One year ago today, I watched one of the most important, most influential people in my life cross over.

The strange thing is that I had been up all night one year ago, just as I was tonight. And at this time (6am) last year, I was calling my brother, confessing a heroin addiction – telling him that I would be dope sick unless I got some sort of fix. Reluctantly, he offered me ultram and xanax. Which at the time that I met up with him an hour later, to my surprise – really did the trick.

My brother, Rob, had just driven twenty-seven hours straight all the way from Montana. Chad (the second of my three brothers) got his cue at 6:15 to head to the hospital. Shawn (the last) had been there at the hospital for more than 48 hours.

My mother.

She wanted all her children there at the same time. She had been repeating “all of my children…?” And at 6:55am, I met Rob outside the hospital, and he handed me four pills, which I gladly took. And a half hour later, my three brothers and I stood in a circle around our mother in her hospital bed. We prayed and talked to her, though at this point, she was no longer conscious.

Lung cancer.

My mother died a slow death. she was diagnosed March 9th, 2011 and died September 13th, 2011. Six months and four days. Actually, by any standards that’s pretty quick.

So, my brother Shawn was exhausted after having been in the hospital for so long, my brother Rob was exhausted after having driven all the way from Montana without stopping, and my brother Chad needed to go to a Boy Scout event with his son. They departed around 11am, except Chad who stayed until around 4:30.

My mother was pronounced dead at 5:56pm, although when I looked at the clock when she actually died it was around 5:41.

I had told my brother Rob that I didn’t want to be the one at the hospital when she died, that I wanted to be the one that got the call. However, that certainly wasn’t the case.

Perhaps my beloved creator thought that it was necessary for me to experience it this way, no matter how painful it was. I can only deduct that this was a divine experience that I had. After all, it has only led me down a path to sobriety and a spiritual depth that I could not have imagined before.

I am plagued by physical pain on a daily basis but nothing compares to this emotional pain. The difference is what I now consider to be substantial.

When my mother was taking her last breath she mouthed the words “I love you” over and over. Mind you, this is after having been unconscious for three and a half days. I held her hand for over an hour before and almost 30 minutes after she died. I felt her hand go cold.

There is no human being who I’ve ever lost – and there’s been 28 – that I’ve ever missed so much. My mother taught me love, how to give love, how to be loved, how to lose love, but most importantly she taught me why you should love in the first place. A most beautiful and remarkable woman.

Love upon a deeper level.

Today is a lesson for me. Everything that we experience whether it be good, bad, in between – it doesn’t matter – we are meant to learn from it! We’re meant to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

She has no grave. So, this blog is my way of paying my respects to the only woman I’ve ever known who greeted life as fearlessly and as openly and she greeted death. For love that was once beyond my understanding – that is not now – because of this woman. For my earthly mother, who gave me life.

DoB: Saturday, August 14th, 1948 to Tuesday, September 13th, 2011.
Age at death: 63 years and 30 days.

Love & Light.


My ability to tune into another persons emotions always astounds me.

First, I have to be sure the feelings coming into my existence are not my own. This can be very tricky, but ultimately it gets down to whether I can relate the emotions to my state of mind, and how attached I am to them. The distinction is always apparent to me, though the path may be elusive.

This is what it is to be an empath.

When I was young, it was very confusing. This is seriously one of those incidents where when you recognize the “problem” you come to understand the solution.

I love you all. Have no fear if you think you may be an empath as well. You are embarking upon a vast spiritual journey and there is much beauty in it.

Love and Light!