Living with PTSD

First off, sorry for not posting in a while. I’m 3 months pregnant and that has ruled my world.

So, if you’ve read my other posts, you’re aware that little more than a year ago, I lost my mother to lung cancer.

I literally lost my mind when she got diagnosed. We are all prone to moments of weakness, to put it lightly. My coping method was shooting heroin.

The month after my mom died, I went to jail for 5 months. That’s where the dreams started.

I didn’t just lose my mother though, my mom had signed custody of my daughter over to my cousin because I was so much of a mess.

Needless to say, my bad choices led me into a deep abyss of depression. My mother died not ever seeing me get clean, and before I ever felt like I deserved a decent life, let alone pursue it. And thinking I’d never be “better” enough to take care of my own daughter.

The dreams were vivid. So real and intense, I felt like I was actually living them until I would wake up out of a dead sleep screaming or crying uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll be able to get the underlying deeper meaning in these examples.

My very first dream, I dream that I am waking up at my moms house (while my physical body is in jail). I go into her room and talk to her and she tells me something is wrong. She says my brother is in trouble but she can’t tell me how or why, she just needs me to find him and bring him to her. I find him, bring him to my mom and they talk privately while I worry to death over what they’re talking about. Finally, they’re done. I walk into my moms room again, only this time, she’s stapled across the chest from the autopsy and eyeless from her donation. She is still moving and talking, but like something out of Creepshow or Tales From the Crypt. I try to hide my fear from her and continue the conversation as normal but I end up screaming and crying. That’s when I wake up.

And here, you can clearly see the progression of processed emotion.

In this dream, I am walking around doing absolutely horrible things to people. Stealing, lying, corrupting, hurting people. I have no control over what I am doing. It’s as if i’m auto pilot and I can’t switch to manual, no matter how hard I try. About 1/3 of the way through the dream, I realize my mom is following me. Once I notice her, she starts talking to me – telling me I shouldn’t do these things, it’s wrong, so on and so forth. But I am unable to stop until I almost kill someone. That’s when I wake up bawling my eyes out. I don’t want to hurt people. At all. Ever.

There are many others… My mom turns to ashes and falls into my daughters layup at a family gathering… Mostly with the same premise… She is alive, I go away, she is dying, she’s gone.

I start shielding. No one can get me to talk about my mom. For months, I couldn’t say “mom” without tearing up. I have to be tough, though.

The fact that I can talk the way I am today is proof that it does get better though. I still have dreams, have trouble opening up with people privately, and fear sleeping
as well as other irrational things relating to death.

But they say knowing is half of the battle so maybe it will go away someday. Anyone else experience PTSD?


Inherent Unity

How many amongst us really want to do good in this country? Could it be that there is a little bit in every single one of us that wants to stand up for the causes that are right, and just, and follow through in trying to make a change in this world? Does that exist in you?

I cannot shove this knowledge at you and expect you to listen to me. After all, your own heart is what you are going to listen to. And rightly so!

I have no doubt that the responses to this will be few. Who really wants to listen when it comes to hearing about all of this sour death and destruction slowly taking over and defeating lives, some of whom, you know, others you know have families and friends who will surely miss them. Does it not tug at your heartstrings, even a little?

What is it that YOU know to be right, and just?

Can we simply shove all of this under the rug, pretend it’s really not happening? I say no! There are too many things that we don’t know about when it comes to our governments, our world, society, politics, foreign affairs, etc. Is it just in our nature to trust our government? What if we can’t? Wouldn’t you like to know?

Quote, V for Vendetta: “If our own government was responsible for the deaths of a hundred thousand people… would you really want to know?” and “When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.”

Do you fear the government?

And I quote president Kennedy, here: “Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and success of liberty.”

Oppose ANY foe. Let us not forget that the reason we are allowed to bear arms is so that we may rise up against a tyrannical government, if necessary. And THAT is written in the bill.

Now, I’m not saying we need to kill them at all, but all the same, there need to be changes made, and for some reason, no candidate is quite taking the cake on that. I see no phenomenal candidate running in 2012. In fact, I see two puppets dangling from invisible strings.

Why is it that the same people keep on running our government over and over?

Our economy is shit, the rich only get richer, the poor get poorer, and it is you and I, the common folk, who is always suffering.

Our medical coverage is a joke, 95% of first world (as opposed to ‘third world”) countries have free medical coverage for all of the citizens.

Why is it that we call ourselves in America “First World” if we are on third world standards on more than one aspect?

We don’t have money!
The government has money!

And where is it going? Can some one please make the funds available to the government public? WHAT money?!

Something seems out of place here… it’s not right that we can’t get a college education without first applying for government aid, possibly not qualifying because we are legally bound to our parents’ tax information until the age of twenty-four!

Again, “first world,” pfff. Why is knowledge not free? Oh yeah, that’s right. Because knowledge is power.

We could be more cultured as a country, we would be smarter, in general, and able to do things that stimulate our economy. We could invent things, or simply get better jobs. There’s no end to the benefits from universal education.

So is it safe to say that it appears that the government wants to keep you stupid, and/or blind to the atrocities?

They dumb you down with delta and theta waves in your televisions, using media to coerce you into believing you are not one with everything around you, convincing you that you have no divine personal power, to make you feel ugly and used, the list goes on. (NOTE: I, personally, think you’re fantastic.)

And tell me, what are the rules of engagement necessary to earn your respect and ignite the love in your heart to feel compassion for the awful things going on in this world?

I think you all know what you would like to see happen in this country within the next 10 years. Now utilize that goal and strive to make the difference happen. It is somewhere in every heart, and soul. All we need now, is UNITY!

Campfire Cheesecake (S’more)

I’m going to put this recipe out for “beginners” in cheesecake making. For that reason, it won’t be necessary for you to make your own crust like I do. Just buy a Keebler’s grahm cracker crust.

Prep time: About 20 minutes.

You will need:
1lb of Cream Cheese (2pkgs)
1 Egg
2 Tbs Chocolate Syrup
1 Tbs Vanilla Extract
1/2 cup Sugar
1 1/2 Tbs Sour Cream
1 1/2 cups Mini Chocolate Chips
2 cups Mini Marshmallows
1 Grahm Cracker Crust

An electric mixer is required for this recipe.

1. Combine cream cheese, egg, sugar, sour cream, and vanilla extract in a large mixing bowl. Use electric mixer to mix until smooth and creamy.

2. Add chocolate syrup, 3/4 cup of chocolate chips, and if you desire, a small amount of marshmallows (not a part of amount of marshmallows I listed, this is optional!) Mix thoroughly with mixer.

3. Once desired consistency is achieved, spoon out about half of the mixture into the grahm cracker crust.

4. Place a layer of marshmallows. (I place them in circle patterns until I reach the middle, but you can get creative with this part!) Try to use about half of recommended marshmallows.

5. Take 1/3 cup of chocolate chips and scatter them evenly on top of the marshmallows.

6. Carefully spoon the rest of cheesecake mixture into the grahm cracker crust, spread evenly and try not to mess up the marshmallow/chocolate chip dividing layer.

7. Do the same thing as #4 with the remaining marshmallows. However,DO NOT add chocolate chips!

8. Bake at 325° for one hour.

9. (This may not be necessary. Check cheesecake.) Switch oven to “broil” mode for anywhere from 2-5 mins depending on your oven. The trick is to melt the top later of marshmallows, maybe even brown them a bit for effect.

10. Remove from oven and cool at room temperature for at least one hour, or until completely cooled. (Apply remaining chocolate chips after 15-20 minutes of cooling.)

11. Once entirely cooled, place lid on cheesecake and refrigerate for no less than two hours, but preferably overnight. (a cheesecake is not a cheesecake without this step, so don’t cheat and eat it early, it won’t taste the same.)

12. Serve and enjoy! Makes 8 servings.

Thanks all! Love and light!

The Amazing Glitch

I’ve always had a strange affinity with technology. Computers and phones seem to respond to me on an emotional level for some reason I can’t readily explain.

I’ve also always been able to easily adapt to new technology. I’ve also always been able to take things apart and put them back together and really figure out how they work.

For this reason, I’ve also always been interested in science. The physics of things – the mechanics.

When I was a kid, I would take old VCRs apart, somehow fix them without even understanding completely – what was wrong with them in the first place.

When old video tapes or just regular old music tapes would jam, I could take them apart and fix them too.

Watches, TVs, computers, some older phones, music equipment, CD players, you name it! I could fix them all.

This is my first experience with the Droid phone. I understood how it operated quickly because it so closely resembles a computer, or an operating system.

But just like every computer I’ve ever owned, this thing seems to respond to me on an emotional level!

Let me explain. When I first got the phone, I was encouraged to use an app to get free ringtones. I also made a few of my own – using songs that I knew weren’t readily available.

This is the peculiar thing my phone does to me.

Of course, I set these ringtones to certain family members and friends accordingly. But for some reason, these ringtones have developed a mind of their own.

They change according to my mood. I’m not lying, this is real shit!

For instance, I set my brothers ringtone to a goofy ringtone that says “It’s your crazy brother calling! You better answer!”

I’m on probation, my probation officer has a ringtone that is very suitable – the dragnet theme.

Subsequently, I haven’t talked to my brother in about a year, apart from Facebook and random texts. I sent him 3 pictures today because it’s his birthday. He called me back, in response.

But instead of playing the “it’s your brother” ringtone, it played the dragnet theme. As a looming disturbance to my environment, the sign of impending doom.

My probation officers ringtone, ironically, changed to the Duck Tales theme. “Life is like a hurricane – here in DuckBerg.”

My boyfriends ringtone has changed to something else only when I’m mad – and then it changes back when the fight is over.


My smartphone has become too smart for its own good!

Has anyone else ever experienced this phenomenon or something like it?

Still, no matter how strange or ironic it may be – I have nothing but gratitude for it. It makes me chuckle whenever it changes.

Thanks Droid – for knowing me so well!

My Indigo Friend

So I’ve been meaning to blog about this for, like, the last week. Granted, my blog is still in its infancy stage, Maybe I thought I should ease you all in… …slowly.

As I said before, I’m an indigo. (My autocorrect just said ninja go, “I am a ninja go if you don’t know!”) ANYWAY, if you don’t know what “indigo” means I suggest you google it.

The most ironic an exciting thing happened to me last week. I should mention that I moved 130 miles from my hometown.

It was on the day that my mom died, or anniversary of it rather.

I made an obscure post on facebook about how my mom died last year, with the fancy web link to the Social Security Administration’s database marking her birthday and death day.

I haven’t been very popular to my old druggie friends, seeing as I don’t do drugs anymore. So, nobody ever really comments on my musings.

But my best friend from grade school was nice enough to say “hey, if you ever need anything, you can call me.”

Keep in mind we have this in common, both of our mothers having died from cancer.

I respond “thanks, but I moved south, I’ll message you my new number…”

And so I did, and immediately she messaged me back. She asked where I had moved to. I tell her Cincinnati. She says “No way, I live in Cincinnati too. Where at in Cincinnati do you live?” …. Well, you get the point right?

And you’re probably wondering why I mentioned Indigo, right?

Well, as fate would have it, she is an Indigo too! This completely fascinates me because I can remember when we were kids, how we could communicate with each other without even speaking. We would get in trouble and both tell h our parents the same story – and it was a fake story – we had both made up in our heads, but for some reason, it always matched up.

Her and I also both had a deep fascination for the unknown. The spirit world was always a point of intrigue for both of us.

We both struggled in our own ways with social stigmas. We both had to adapt to society because of how different we were.

I certainly don’t think it’s a coincidence that we both live in the same city less than 25 minutes away from each other. She grew up three doors down from me. We had an intense spiritual connection. This is no mystery.

I’m glad were talking again, Jessica. I can already see us being dear friends just as we were.

Love and Light!!!

Social Separation!

I’m sitting here observing people and listening to King Crimson. Does it ever strike you how completely strange is the lack of human interaction?

It should be completely natural for the 15 or so people around me to be immersed in conversation and empathy for one another, but for some strange reason, this isn’t the case.

Should I mention that I’m at an alcoholics anonymous club house and our problem certainly isn’t one of not having anything on which we can relate?

Yet, here I sit, alone, watching groups of 2 or maybe 3 people have their own private conversations.

“Confusion will be my epitaph. I fear tomorrow, I’ll be crying.” (King Crimson)

I’ll be here most of the day and no doubt will be engaged in several of these semi-private conversations myself. This isn’t the point. The point is the ridiculous differences we see in each other from ourselves.

All these criminally obtuse distinctions based on looks, race, class, age, creed and any other reason we, albeit subconsciously, use to separate ourselves from each other.

What an incredible farce!

I don’t do a whole lot of “rocking the boat,” you see. I’ve engaged nearly every one of these individuals without any vision of social consequence – paying anyway in this having to absolve to solitude.

Can you see the absolute insanity? We’re human beings! Sure you’re different, you’re an enigma! But NAMASTE to you all. I see you for your intrinsic value and beauty, not in what ways you are not like me! How silly would it be if I did that?

But you do it every day! (Generally speaking, of course.)

Anyway /endrant.

I love you all!
Love & Light!

Inactive Activism

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about joining some activist or human rights group. The whole idea seems to be a double-edged sword, sort of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

What I mean by that is, on one hand, you’re helping the world – aiding the world in some way, being and feeling useful, doing things for the “greater good.”

This, I find to be completely spiritually profitable.

On the other hand, by buying into the mechanism of helping, you are adding to the problem by acknowledging its existence.

If quantum physics says “thoughts are things,” then ideally, you’d want to stray away from being part of a problem’s manifestation, right?

This is an interesting paradox for me. My powers of manifestation have always been incredibly strong. I think it gets down to fear.

Fear of manifesting the problem rather than manifesting its solution.

The inevitable consequence of NOT doing something, I find, is FAR more hazardous than simply acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place.

Then there is the inevitable  predicament of what organizations are out for evil and, subsequently, what organizations are out for the greater good.

Even organizations like, say, “The ZeitGeist Movement,” seem very extreme.

But there were even scarier individuals, such as Alex Jones or David Ickes. Alex Jones is the proprietor and voice of and David Ickes is a raging lunatic that believes that reptilians are running the government.

No doubt that it’s hard to know where to instill your faith.

I mentioned in a previous post that I always wanted to join the Peace Corps when I was growing up. But even that organization has its flaws.

For now, I’m content being a vigilante for justice and liberty using tactics such as composing both, long winded, seemingly and arguably pointless blogs, and provocative, and borderline progressive music.

Love and Light!