Life Lessons: *(Part Two)*

Life Lesson #3: Give and you shall receive.

The “love that I get to experience and witness in others.”

Rarely do we come across a human being worthy of admiration, and recognition. But though these times are few and far between – they are most precious.

“We use to believe in the good ol days. We still receive in little ways – the things of kindness and unsporting brow. Forget and allow.”
– Jim Morrison

It’s my experience that if you receive any kind of charity, you must first – give it. What you get out of this life will be equal to, or greater than, what you put into it.

There is no mystery here. Though God is present – and quantum physics and science is as relevant as karma – no Divine Presence or principle need be understood to comprehend this simple concept. It’s just the natural order of things.

Too often we get distracted by what people take from us. We feel cheated. And for most – the reaction is to close yourself off – to not let anybody steal from you anymore.

This perception is false. There are two basic emotions that we feel: fear and love. When people take from you, they are not operating out of love. This does not mean that you react also in fear. You don’t let fear disrupt your good nature! React with love, and eventually it will be returned to you. Keep in mind that it’s not always from the person that you want it to be from.

Love – in all of its forms – is a miraculous thing. When we operate out of love, we grow. So, for this lesson – you need only to change your perspective.

Thank you to those who have helped me along this path. Your loving kindness will long be remembered and will be returned to you.

There will more than likely be a part 3. ūüôā

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Life Lessons *(Part One)*

Aside

So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what the bigger picture is when it comes to what this world has taught me.

**First “Bigger Picture” Lesson: Quit being so damned superficial.**

She is a very pretty 16 year old girl, running 3-5 miles a day, trying to eat healthy, trying to look good for boys because that’s the nature of the beast in society. She cares about her hair, her make-up, and even the bra she wears for the day. She is under a lot of pressure from her mother to look and act a certain way. She rebels against that, and appeals to the same tastes of a different crowd. (Don’t we all want to be “popular” within our circle? Even if our circle is the kids who wear all black and smoke pot?) She has perfect teeth, a big beautiful smile, and she loves to laugh. She is a normal American youth.

One fateful day in August, the month before her birthday – she is involved in a terrible car accident that will change the course of her life forever. She breaks her right femur over the passenger seat of the car and flies head first into the windshield. (The leg being the only thing that stopped her from being ejected from the car and killing her instantly.)

From this accident, her injuries are as follows. 1.) Punctured muscle in front side of thigh by femur. 2.) Surgical implantation of metal rod and three screws to bind femur back into proper position. 3.) Left cheek muscle severed by impact in windshield resulting in plastic surgery and limited movement in left side of face.

To add insult to injury, over the course of ten plus years of drug abuse, soda drinking, and now two pregnancies, she has under 10 teeth in functionality. This will result in complete extraction of all teeth, and dentures.

Not only has this taught me to not take myself so damned seriously, but it makes me look at others differently as well. It has taught me not to judge others by their looks but by their character. I hate to admit that at one point I was so superficial – but it’s true. It’s the way I was brought up. My mom wouldn’t even take me to our family reunion claiming that all of these people were “dirty.” So, it didn’t matter if I thought they were nice, or good, or bad, etc. The way they looked was “bad” enough that my mother didn’t want to eat their food or even be associated with them as family. (Turns out they are all very humble people and I know better than to be ashamed to call them family.)

**Second “Bigger Picture” lesson: You need nothing but LOVE to survive in this world.**

She is brought up in a middle class, semi-well-to-do family. Her parents own their own home, her father works and makes good money, her mother stays at home and runs a musical theater program for children. Every Christmas is a blowout. She gets everything she asks for. A barbie car, a bike, a trampoline, a pool – the list goes on. Birthdays are the same. She is taught to take care of these things, and that if you no longer need them it is better to sell them than to give them away. This mentality is perpetuated¬†by her mothers feelings towards “living poor” after her parents divorce.

Instead of instilling that love is all you need, her mother decides to get herself a rich boyfriend to support her and her teenage daughter. It was over a year later before her mother finally decided to get her own apartment and truly “live poor.”

She moves out shortly after her mother gets this apartment, at age 17. She gets a settlement from aforementioned car accident and lives extravagantly for about two years. After the money is gone, she has to borrow from family to get her own apartment on government assistance and works the night shift at a grocery store.

From that apartment, and then moving into a three bedroom apartment shortly before the birth of her first child, then upgrading to a three bedroom trailer, and then a large two bedroom duplex – she obtains mountains of furniture, clothes, towels, blankets, TVs, computers, other music/electronic equipment, beds, etc, etc, etc.

But, after two extended stays in county lockup, she loses EVERYTHING. Even after cycling through five vehicles Рshe has not even a car to show for all the money from settlements, various jobs, and family aid. She now has barely a carload of personal items including 1.) A single plastic tub containing anything of sentimental value and anything deemed necessity. 2.) One average and one small laundry basket of clothes. 3.) One suitcase for toting shoes and bras. 4.) One walmart bag for toiletries.

So, think about that. Look around your house and consider for a moment all the things that you value the most. Imagine if all you had the ability to keep with you had to be contained in just a tub, two laundry baskets, a suitcase, and perhaps just a few small bags. This was one of the biggest hurdles for me.

You work and sweat and bleed and puke for this shit that you obtain in life. Even if that work is on an emotional/mental¬†level. Maybe you don’t have a job, or maybe your family helped you get these things, maybe you suffered physical trauma and got a¬†monetary settlement like I did¬†– it makes¬†no¬†difference. This “stuff” you’ve acquired over the years is valuable in that everything¬†you own¬†contains memories. Everything you own becomes a reflection of you, and your personality. Having these things gives the impression that you have had at least a moderate amount of success in life. Not having these things gives the impression that you’ve made a series of very bad choices.

Nevertheless, I am happy and grateful for what I have. I have learned that I need nothing on that level to reflect or say anything about who I am as a human being. I am happy for the fact that this takes away the filter you would formerly look through to see “who I am.” Now, you have to look at my actions and my words. And if you don’t – well, I don’t really care for your kind anyway if you can’t see beyond the material.

The love I carry with me is my most valuable asset. I hope the love I am given is something that I can pay forward, always. The compassion and humanity I am shown on a daily basis is what I wish to reflect onto others. My life is not cluttered with inanimate objects and what-nots. It’s filled with the love and gratitude I feel for you and yours and the love and gratitude¬†I have the privilege of witnessing in others. I love this lesson most of all.

To be continued… (Part Two in a couple of days)

My Birth Chart

I would like to point out how ridiculously relevant this is. It is accurate to the T.

Name: Andi September 26 1985 8:31 AM Time Zone is EDT Delaware, OH

Rising Sign is in 15 Degrees Libra Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you. “Peace and harmony at all costs” is your battle cry. You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people. Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly. You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others.

Sun is in 03 Degrees Libra. Very sociable, you enjoy being with others and definitely prefer not be alone. Warm and affectionate, you go out of your way to make others like you. You despise ugliness, for you being surrounded by beauty and harmony is a necessity of life. You prefer fine clothing, an attractive home and pleasant surroundings wherever you are. Your refined tastes apply to music and to art as well. At times, you are very indecisive you waver and falter when forced to make a choice because you have the ability to see both sides of any question. The positive part of this is that you are very fair-minded and can be trusted to settle disputes. Your greatest challenge is to take any one- on-one encounter and make the most of it.

Moon is in 05 Degrees Pisces. You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin — you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others –so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.

Mercury is in 06 Degrees Libra. You are known for not jumping to conclusions about things. You tend to weigh all possible choices very carefully before making a decision. When in the slightest amount of doubt, you will compromise rather than ruffle any feathers. You are a true raconteur of culture and taste –your ideas and opinions are neat, elegant and refined. A born diplomat, you dislike discord so much that you will go out of your way to make others feel comfortable and at ease. You speak softly and pleasantly.

Venus is in 05 Degrees Virgo. You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided –learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high — you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

Mars is in 10 Degrees Virgo. Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of yourself and others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles.

Jupiter is in 07 Degrees Aquarius. Your personal growth occurs when you have the freedom to do things in new and interesting ways — this brings out your natural inventiveness. You are an individualist, but you are also attracted to mass movements that emphasize social betterment and you will devote much time and energy to their efforts. Very fair- minded and objective, you have extraordinary skills at organization and administration.

Saturn is in 24 Degrees Scorpio. You tend to release emotional energies only very reluctantly. This is partly due to your fear of what horrible calamity might occur should they be released — your emotions are terribly complicated and intense. Try not to repress these energies entirely, however, or you will succumb to negative and destructive forms of compulsive behavior. Give yourself the freedom to look awkward or silly once in a while. The relief you feel will be quite therapeutic and the embarrassment (whether it is real or imagined) will pass quickly.

Uranus is in 14 Degrees Sagittarius. You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.

Neptune is in 00 Degrees Capricorn. You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 03 Degrees Scorpio. For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 09 Degrees Taurus. It’s not in your nature to seek out many casual acquaintances in your daily round of activities. You feel much more comfortable with a small, close-knit group of people — those with whom you can relax and work toward known and clearly defined goals. Your loyalty to a person or group, once given, is forever — you’ll expend all of your quite considerable energy in seeing that the group stays together and prospers. You choose your partners and relationships so carefully that you’re bound to gain certain advantages from them, including those of a material nature. Be careful though not to let mere self-service be your motivation in establishing your connections — make sure that there’s an even give-and-take!

Living with PTSD

First off, sorry for not posting in a while. I’m 3 months pregnant and that has ruled my world.

So, if you’ve read my other posts, you’re aware that little more than a year ago, I lost my mother to lung cancer.

I literally lost my mind when she got diagnosed. We are all prone to moments of weakness, to put it lightly. My coping method was shooting heroin.

The month after my mom died, I went to jail for 5 months. That’s where the dreams started.

I didn’t just lose my mother though, my mom had signed custody of my daughter over to my cousin because I was so much of a mess.

Needless to say, my bad choices led me into a deep abyss of depression. My mother died not ever seeing me get clean, and before I ever felt like I deserved a decent life, let alone pursue it. And thinking I’d never be “better” enough to take care of my own daughter.

The dreams were vivid. So real and intense, I felt like I was actually living them until I would wake up out of a dead sleep screaming or crying uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll be able to get the underlying deeper meaning in these examples.

My very first dream, I dream that I am waking up at my moms house (while my physical body is in jail). I go into her room and talk to her and she tells me something is wrong. She says my brother is in trouble but she can’t tell me how or why, she just needs me to find him and bring him to her. I find him, bring him to my mom and they talk privately while I worry to death over what they’re talking about. Finally, they’re done. I walk into my moms room again, only this time, she’s stapled across the chest from the autopsy and eyeless from her donation. She is still moving and talking, but like something out of Creepshow or Tales From the Crypt. I try to hide my fear from her and continue the conversation as normal but I end up screaming and crying. That’s when I wake up.

And here, you can clearly see the progression of processed emotion.

In this dream, I am walking around doing absolutely horrible things to people. Stealing, lying, corrupting, hurting people. I have no control over what I am doing. It’s as if i’m auto pilot and I can’t switch to manual, no matter how hard I try. About 1/3 of the way through the dream, I realize my mom is following me. Once I notice her, she starts talking to me – telling me I shouldn’t do these things, it’s wrong, so on and so forth. But I am unable to stop until I almost kill someone. That’s when I wake up bawling my eyes out. I don’t want to hurt people. At all. Ever.

There are many others… My mom turns to ashes and falls into my daughters layup at a family gathering… Mostly with the same premise… She is alive, I go away, she is dying, she’s gone.

I start shielding. No one can get me to talk about my mom. For months, I couldn’t say “mom” without tearing up. I have to be tough, though.

The fact that I can talk the way I am today is proof that it does get better though. I still have dreams, have trouble opening up with people privately, and fear sleeping
as well as other irrational things relating to death.

But they say knowing is half of the battle so maybe it will go away someday. Anyone else experience PTSD?

My Indigo Friend

So I’ve been meaning to blog about this for, like, the last week. Granted, my blog is still in its infancy stage, Maybe I thought I should ease you all in… …slowly.

As I said before, I’m an indigo. (My autocorrect just said ninja go, “I am a ninja go if you don’t know!”) ANYWAY, if you don’t know what “indigo” means I suggest you google it.

The most ironic an exciting thing happened to me last week. I should mention that I moved 130 miles from my hometown.

It was on the day that my mom died, or anniversary of it rather.

I made an obscure post on facebook about how my mom died last year, with the fancy web link to the Social Security Administration’s database marking her birthday and death day.

I haven’t been very popular to my old druggie friends, seeing as I don’t do drugs anymore. So, nobody ever really comments on my musings.

But my best friend from grade school was nice enough to say “hey, if you ever need anything, you can call me.”

Keep in mind we have this in common, both of our mothers having died from cancer.

I respond “thanks, but I moved south, I’ll message you my new number…”

And so I did, and immediately she messaged me back. She asked where I had moved to. I tell her Cincinnati. She says “No way, I live in Cincinnati too. Where at in Cincinnati do you live?” …. Well, you get the point right?

And you’re probably wondering why I mentioned Indigo, right?

Well, as fate would have it, she is an Indigo too! This completely fascinates me because I can remember when we were kids, how we could communicate with each other without even speaking. We would get in trouble and both tell h our parents the same story – and it was a fake story – we had both made up in our heads, but for some reason, it always matched up.

Her and I also both had a deep fascination for the unknown. The spirit world was always a point of intrigue for both of us.

We both struggled in our own ways with social stigmas. We both had to adapt to society because of how different we were.

I certainly don’t think it’s a coincidence that we both live in the same city less than 25 minutes away from each other. She grew up three doors down from me. We had an intense spiritual connection. This is no mystery.

I’m glad were talking again, Jessica. I can already see us being dear friends just as we were.

Love and Light!!!

Social Separation!

I’m sitting here observing people and listening to King Crimson. Does it ever strike you how completely strange is the lack of human interaction?

It should be completely natural for the 15 or so people around me to be immersed in conversation and empathy for one another, but for some strange reason, this isn’t the case.

Should I mention that I’m at an alcoholics anonymous club house and our problem certainly isn’t one of not having anything on which we can relate?

Yet, here I sit, alone, watching groups of 2 or maybe 3 people have their own private conversations.

“Confusion will be my epitaph. I fear tomorrow, I’ll be crying.” (King Crimson)

I’ll be here most of the day and no doubt will be engaged in several of these semi-private conversations myself. This isn’t the point. The point is the ridiculous differences we see in each other from ourselves.

All these criminally obtuse distinctions based on looks, race, class, age, creed and any other reason we, albeit subconsciously, use to separate ourselves from each other.

What an incredible farce!

I don’t do a whole lot of “rocking the boat,” you see. I’ve engaged nearly every one of these individuals without any vision of social consequence – paying anyway in this having to absolve to solitude.

Can you see the absolute insanity? We’re human beings! Sure you’re different, you’re an enigma! But NAMASTE to you all. I see you for your intrinsic value and beauty, not in what ways you are not like me! How silly would it be if I did that?

But you do it every day! (Generally speaking, of course.)

Anyway /endrant.

I love you all!
Love & Light!

The Liar

Is it ever socially acceptable to lie? I know that I wear a social mask. That, by default, implies deception.

Since I was a kid, there has always been things that I can’t show people about my eccentric spirituality. When I was a kid I would not have called it spirituality – I would have just said, maybe, “parts of who I am.”

Today, I’m much more lax, for instance, I can tell some people that I talk to my spirit guides and not feel so weird about it, because I know that normal people judge other people based on these sorts of things. I, personally, don’t understand people’s reasoning. Why, for instance, other people don’t talk to their spirit guides like I do. However all of the ridicule I received for being “different” made it necessary for me to develop a social mask to protect myself.

Occasionally this feeling of “people don’t/won’t understand me” or “I can’t get my message across adequately without wearing the mask” will lead me to lie about things when I think I’m lying to protect someone.

I cant presume to explain why I do certain things when I’m led to do them from what seems to be the universe. People do not understand. They assume that I have the same intentions as the rest of the human race, that my motives are for some strange personal gain on a physical level.

How do you tell someone that the universe has led you to make certain decisions which, in turn, may have hurt them? They look at you and say “the universe made you hurt me?… Some universe!… I think (fill in the blank) is what you wanted!!”

I lied about the context of a relationship to spare someone’s feelings. My intentions were out of love and not wanting to hurt the person.

More and more, as people are awakening to this new spirituality, certain things are becoming more socially acceptable. That is speaking very generally.

But it could be that, for that reason, I was being entirely too presumptuous. Who am I to think that you won’t understand?

I’m constantly growing and learning. I know that I am not infallible, and by no stretch of the imagination am I anywhere near perfect. I made a mistake.

My beloved creator thought well enough to send me a most understanding person, no doubt, to teach me this simple lesson.

I do my best to live by ancient Toltec knowledge. I’m certainly no guru, though.

My real question is, I suppose, should I completely absolve myself of the social mask? Or are there things that I still shouldn’t say concerning who I am on a deeper spiritual level?

And perhaps my problem is that I haven’t really surrounded myself with people that are like me.

I know that I have justified this sort of lying for far to long. And I’m lucky to have some one that understands that my love is genuine for them whether or not they see it as an area wherein I needed to grow and develop along spiritual lines.

We should never lie about what we do, or what our intentions were/are. We should stand by the actions we take, and how we feel – even if were not proud of it, or we think it won’t be accepted by others. We should not assume things just because we assume that other people would assume things. (Ass out of u & me?)

As hard as this lesson has been to learn, I have nothing but gratitude for it.

Love and Light!