Living with PTSD

First off, sorry for not posting in a while. I’m 3 months pregnant and that has ruled my world.

So, if you’ve read my other posts, you’re aware that little more than a year ago, I lost my mother to lung cancer.

I literally lost my mind when she got diagnosed. We are all prone to moments of weakness, to put it lightly. My coping method was shooting heroin.

The month after my mom died, I went to jail for 5 months. That’s where the dreams started.

I didn’t just lose my mother though, my mom had signed custody of my daughter over to my cousin because I was so much of a mess.

Needless to say, my bad choices led me into a deep abyss of depression. My mother died not ever seeing me get clean, and before I ever felt like I deserved a decent life, let alone pursue it. And thinking I’d never be “better” enough to take care of my own daughter.

The dreams were vivid. So real and intense, I felt like I was actually living them until I would wake up out of a dead sleep screaming or crying uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll be able to get the underlying deeper meaning in these examples.

My very first dream, I dream that I am waking up at my moms house (while my physical body is in jail). I go into her room and talk to her and she tells me something is wrong. She says my brother is in trouble but she can’t tell me how or why, she just needs me to find him and bring him to her. I find him, bring him to my mom and they talk privately while I worry to death over what they’re talking about. Finally, they’re done. I walk into my moms room again, only this time, she’s stapled across the chest from the autopsy and eyeless from her donation. She is still moving and talking, but like something out of Creepshow or Tales From the Crypt. I try to hide my fear from her and continue the conversation as normal but I end up screaming and crying. That’s when I wake up.

And here, you can clearly see the progression of processed emotion.

In this dream, I am walking around doing absolutely horrible things to people. Stealing, lying, corrupting, hurting people. I have no control over what I am doing. It’s as if i’m auto pilot and I can’t switch to manual, no matter how hard I try. About 1/3 of the way through the dream, I realize my mom is following me. Once I notice her, she starts talking to me – telling me I shouldn’t do these things, it’s wrong, so on and so forth. But I am unable to stop until I almost kill someone. That’s when I wake up bawling my eyes out. I don’t want to hurt people. At all. Ever.

There are many others… My mom turns to ashes and falls into my daughters layup at a family gathering… Mostly with the same premise… She is alive, I go away, she is dying, she’s gone.

I start shielding. No one can get me to talk about my mom. For months, I couldn’t say “mom” without tearing up. I have to be tough, though.

The fact that I can talk the way I am today is proof that it does get better though. I still have dreams, have trouble opening up with people privately, and fear sleeping
as well as other irrational things relating to death.

But they say knowing is half of the battle so maybe it will go away someday. Anyone else experience PTSD?