My Indigo Friend

So I’ve been meaning to blog about this for, like, the last week. Granted, my blog is still in its infancy stage, Maybe I thought I should ease you all in… …slowly.

As I said before, I’m an indigo. (My autocorrect just said ninja go, “I am a ninja go if you don’t know!”) ANYWAY, if you don’t know what “indigo” means I suggest you google it.

The most ironic an exciting thing happened to me last week. I should mention that I moved 130 miles from my hometown.

It was on the day that my mom died, or anniversary of it rather.

I made an obscure post on facebook about how my mom died last year, with the fancy web link to the Social Security Administration’s database marking her birthday and death day.

I haven’t been very popular to my old druggie friends, seeing as I don’t do drugs anymore. So, nobody ever really comments on my musings.

But my best friend from grade school was nice enough to say “hey, if you ever need anything, you can call me.”

Keep in mind we have this in common, both of our mothers having died from cancer.

I respond “thanks, but I moved south, I’ll message you my new number…”

And so I did, and immediately she messaged me back. She asked where I had moved to. I tell her Cincinnati. She says “No way, I live in Cincinnati too. Where at in Cincinnati do you live?” …. Well, you get the point right?

And you’re probably wondering why I mentioned Indigo, right?

Well, as fate would have it, she is an Indigo too! This completely fascinates me because I can remember when we were kids, how we could communicate with each other without even speaking. We would get in trouble and both tell h our parents the same story – and it was a fake story – we had both made up in our heads, but for some reason, it always matched up.

Her and I also both had a deep fascination for the unknown. The spirit world was always a point of intrigue for both of us.

We both struggled in our own ways with social stigmas. We both had to adapt to society because of how different we were.

I certainly don’t think it’s a coincidence that we both live in the same city less than 25 minutes away from each other. She grew up three doors down from me. We had an intense spiritual connection. This is no mystery.

I’m glad were talking again, Jessica. I can already see us being dear friends just as we were.

Love and Light!!!

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Social Separation!

I’m sitting here observing people and listening to King Crimson. Does it ever strike you how completely strange is the lack of human interaction?

It should be completely natural for the 15 or so people around me to be immersed in conversation and empathy for one another, but for some strange reason, this isn’t the case.

Should I mention that I’m at an alcoholics anonymous club house and our problem certainly isn’t one of not having anything on which we can relate?

Yet, here I sit, alone, watching groups of 2 or maybe 3 people have their own private conversations.

“Confusion will be my epitaph. I fear tomorrow, I’ll be crying.” (King Crimson)

I’ll be here most of the day and no doubt will be engaged in several of these semi-private conversations myself. This isn’t the point. The point is the ridiculous differences we see in each other from ourselves.

All these criminally obtuse distinctions based on looks, race, class, age, creed and any other reason we, albeit subconsciously, use to separate ourselves from each other.

What an incredible farce!

I don’t do a whole lot of “rocking the boat,” you see. I’ve engaged nearly every one of these individuals without any vision of social consequence – paying anyway in this having to absolve to solitude.

Can you see the absolute insanity? We’re human beings! Sure you’re different, you’re an enigma! But NAMASTE to you all. I see you for your intrinsic value and beauty, not in what ways you are not like me! How silly would it be if I did that?

But you do it every day! (Generally speaking, of course.)

Anyway /endrant.

I love you all!
Love & Light!

Inactive Activism

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about joining some activist or human rights group. The whole idea seems to be a double-edged sword, sort of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

What I mean by that is, on one hand, you’re helping the world – aiding the world in some way, being and feeling useful, doing things for the “greater good.”

This, I find to be completely spiritually profitable.

On the other hand, by buying into the mechanism of helping, you are adding to the problem by acknowledging its existence.

If quantum physics says “thoughts are things,” then ideally, you’d want to stray away from being part of a problem’s manifestation, right?

This is an interesting paradox for me. My powers of manifestation have always been incredibly strong. I think it gets down to fear.

Fear of manifesting the problem rather than manifesting its solution.

The inevitable consequence of NOT doing something, I find, is FAR more hazardous than simply acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place.

Then there is the inevitable  predicament of what organizations are out for evil and, subsequently, what organizations are out for the greater good.

Even organizations like, say, “The ZeitGeist Movement,” seem very extreme.

But there were even scarier individuals, such as Alex Jones or David Ickes. Alex Jones is the proprietor and voice of infowars.com. and David Ickes is a raging lunatic that believes that reptilians are running the government.

No doubt that it’s hard to know where to instill your faith.

I mentioned in a previous post that I always wanted to join the Peace Corps when I was growing up. But even that organization has its flaws.

For now, I’m content being a vigilante for justice and liberty using tactics such as composing both, long winded, seemingly and arguably pointless blogs, and provocative, and borderline progressive music.

Love and Light!

The Liar

Is it ever socially acceptable to lie? I know that I wear a social mask. That, by default, implies deception.

Since I was a kid, there has always been things that I can’t show people about my eccentric spirituality. When I was a kid I would not have called it spirituality – I would have just said, maybe, “parts of who I am.”

Today, I’m much more lax, for instance, I can tell some people that I talk to my spirit guides and not feel so weird about it, because I know that normal people judge other people based on these sorts of things. I, personally, don’t understand people’s reasoning. Why, for instance, other people don’t talk to their spirit guides like I do. However all of the ridicule I received for being “different” made it necessary for me to develop a social mask to protect myself.

Occasionally this feeling of “people don’t/won’t understand me” or “I can’t get my message across adequately without wearing the mask” will lead me to lie about things when I think I’m lying to protect someone.

I cant presume to explain why I do certain things when I’m led to do them from what seems to be the universe. People do not understand. They assume that I have the same intentions as the rest of the human race, that my motives are for some strange personal gain on a physical level.

How do you tell someone that the universe has led you to make certain decisions which, in turn, may have hurt them? They look at you and say “the universe made you hurt me?… Some universe!… I think (fill in the blank) is what you wanted!!”

I lied about the context of a relationship to spare someone’s feelings. My intentions were out of love and not wanting to hurt the person.

More and more, as people are awakening to this new spirituality, certain things are becoming more socially acceptable. That is speaking very generally.

But it could be that, for that reason, I was being entirely too presumptuous. Who am I to think that you won’t understand?

I’m constantly growing and learning. I know that I am not infallible, and by no stretch of the imagination am I anywhere near perfect. I made a mistake.

My beloved creator thought well enough to send me a most understanding person, no doubt, to teach me this simple lesson.

I do my best to live by ancient Toltec knowledge. I’m certainly no guru, though.

My real question is, I suppose, should I completely absolve myself of the social mask? Or are there things that I still shouldn’t say concerning who I am on a deeper spiritual level?

And perhaps my problem is that I haven’t really surrounded myself with people that are like me.

I know that I have justified this sort of lying for far to long. And I’m lucky to have some one that understands that my love is genuine for them whether or not they see it as an area wherein I needed to grow and develop along spiritual lines.

We should never lie about what we do, or what our intentions were/are. We should stand by the actions we take, and how we feel – even if were not proud of it, or we think it won’t be accepted by others. We should not assume things just because we assume that other people would assume things. (Ass out of u & me?)

As hard as this lesson has been to learn, I have nothing but gratitude for it.

Love and Light!

I watched her die.

One year ago today, I watched one of the most important, most influential people in my life cross over.

The strange thing is that I had been up all night one year ago, just as I was tonight. And at this time (6am) last year, I was calling my brother, confessing a heroin addiction – telling him that I would be dope sick unless I got some sort of fix. Reluctantly, he offered me ultram and xanax. Which at the time that I met up with him an hour later, to my surprise – really did the trick.

My brother, Rob, had just driven twenty-seven hours straight all the way from Montana. Chad (the second of my three brothers) got his cue at 6:15 to head to the hospital. Shawn (the last) had been there at the hospital for more than 48 hours.

My mother.

She wanted all her children there at the same time. She had been repeating “all of my children…?” And at 6:55am, I met Rob outside the hospital, and he handed me four pills, which I gladly took. And a half hour later, my three brothers and I stood in a circle around our mother in her hospital bed. We prayed and talked to her, though at this point, she was no longer conscious.

Lung cancer.

My mother died a slow death. she was diagnosed March 9th, 2011 and died September 13th, 2011. Six months and four days. Actually, by any standards that’s pretty quick.

So, my brother Shawn was exhausted after having been in the hospital for so long, my brother Rob was exhausted after having driven all the way from Montana without stopping, and my brother Chad needed to go to a Boy Scout event with his son. They departed around 11am, except Chad who stayed until around 4:30.

My mother was pronounced dead at 5:56pm, although when I looked at the clock when she actually died it was around 5:41.

I had told my brother Rob that I didn’t want to be the one at the hospital when she died, that I wanted to be the one that got the call. However, that certainly wasn’t the case.

Perhaps my beloved creator thought that it was necessary for me to experience it this way, no matter how painful it was. I can only deduct that this was a divine experience that I had. After all, it has only led me down a path to sobriety and a spiritual depth that I could not have imagined before.

I am plagued by physical pain on a daily basis but nothing compares to this emotional pain. The difference is what I now consider to be substantial.

When my mother was taking her last breath she mouthed the words “I love you” over and over. Mind you, this is after having been unconscious for three and a half days. I held her hand for over an hour before and almost 30 minutes after she died. I felt her hand go cold.

There is no human being who I’ve ever lost – and there’s been 28 – that I’ve ever missed so much. My mother taught me love, how to give love, how to be loved, how to lose love, but most importantly she taught me why you should love in the first place. A most beautiful and remarkable woman.

Love upon a deeper level.

Today is a lesson for me. Everything that we experience whether it be good, bad, in between – it doesn’t matter – we are meant to learn from it! We’re meant to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

She has no grave. So, this blog is my way of paying my respects to the only woman I’ve ever known who greeted life as fearlessly and as openly and she greeted death. For love that was once beyond my understanding – that is not now – because of this woman. For my earthly mother, who gave me life.

DoB: Saturday, August 14th, 1948 to Tuesday, September 13th, 2011.
Age at death: 63 years and 30 days.

Love & Light.

Synchronicity

My ability to tune into another persons emotions always astounds me.

First, I have to be sure the feelings coming into my existence are not my own. This can be very tricky, but ultimately it gets down to whether I can relate the emotions to my state of mind, and how attached I am to them. The distinction is always apparent to me, though the path may be elusive.

This is what it is to be an empath.

When I was young, it was very confusing. This is seriously one of those incidents where when you recognize the “problem” you come to understand the solution.

I love you all. Have no fear if you think you may be an empath as well. You are embarking upon a vast spiritual journey and there is much beauty in it.

Love and Light!